December 5, 2011.
What is the significance of this day? A year ago today I was supposed to give birth to my 2 sweet babies. In the Spring of 2011 I found out I was pregnant with twins--we were so excited and relieved after trying for almost a year. I remember as if it were yesterday...the hard journey it had been up until that point, knowing without a doubt that God had given Buster and me a desire to have children but having to trust in him COMPLETELY on timing. That wasn't easy (still isn't!) It felt like everyone around me was pregnant and having babies and while I was excited for them, it made my heart ache for a child of my own.
Looking back through my journal, I am reminded of this commitment I made to the Lord in the midst of the waiting:
"I choose to give Him the glory for his will being done because He is answering my prayer: to be in control of me, all of me. He knows the plans he has and I just have to trust that He will do whatever brings him the most glory. I have been praying not 'can' you do this, but 'will' you do this? 'Will you make my womb a welcome place for a baby?' And God showed me that my prayer instead needs to be, 'Will you make my heart a welcome place for your Spirit?'"
That was March 2nd. I found out a couple of weeks later that I was pregnant. And then miscarried in May. Those were the hardest days...but they were met with the support of so many loved ones. I was overwhelmed with the compassion and Spirit-filled wisdom and prayers of dear friends and family. As much as our hearts were grieved, and as much doubt as I struggled to lay aside, God gave me the strength to hold on to the only thing comforting at that time--the truth that He is faithful, that his promises are true, and that one day I would see and hold my babies in Heaven.
My sweet sister-in-law, Mary Allison wrote this to me in a letter:
"When we look to God for our desires and needs He is faithful to satisfy us with an open hand in his time. God is not holding out on you and Buster with a clinched fist. He hears your cries and I believe with all my heart that He will fulfill your dreams and desires. The hardest part is trusting His plan." I remember reading that over and over--especially in the hard and lonely moments.
I didn't think I would ever be free from the hurt and disappointment. I wish I could say that it got easier to deal with the loss and sadness. It felt like so much time passed before I realized that I was having more good days than bad. I also wish I could say that I came to a point where I finally gave it all to the Lord and decided to not worry about how long it might take to get pregnant again. I remember hearing people tell me, "The minute you stop 'trying' and just let go and trust God, then that's when it will happen!" As much as I wish that were true, its not. And actually I'm really glad its not. I'm so glad that God is not dependent on my actions when it comes to answering prayers. Of course He wanted me to just let go and trust Him...but I needed grace for that and He was faithful. There were good days and bad days...but He never left me alone.
2 verses that helped my hurting heart during this season were:
"He will swallow up death forever.
The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears
from all faces;
he will remove his people’s disgrace
from all the earth.
The Lord has spoken.
In that day they will say,
'Surely this is our God;
we trusted in him, and he saved us.
This is the Lord, we trusted in him;
let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.' " Isaiah 25:8-9 and
"As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5
So my due date came...I remember feeling so angry at God because as hard as that day already was, I felt horrible cramps coming on. Buster was so sweet and took me on a date just to get me out of the house and to help get my mind off of the pain. Well it turns out, those cramps were not pre-menstrual...I was pregnant. With Levi. The first couple of months were scary for me...knowing that at any time the same thing could happen again. But that was all apart of the healing process for me, and again God poured His grace over me and put a shield of protection around my heart and my mind. At the end of the day, I could rest in the assuring truth that no matter what happened, God was in complete control. In the midst of suffering, doubt, uncertainty, and all of life's unknowns, nothing could take me from the tight grip of his Sovereign hand.
My heart still aches for my little ones I never got to see or hold...but every time I see my son's face, hear his laugh, and rock him to sleep, a little piece of my heart starts to mend. I can't explain why things happen the way they do...but maybe if things had gone the way I had planned them, maybe I would've never experienced the precious gift of Levi. So even as I sit here writing this blog, I hear the Lord calling me to surrender my baby boy completely to Him. It is my deepest prayer and desire to see Levi grow up into a man that loves God more than anything else in this life. No matter what that looks like, I pray this becomes true.
God is the Master of all things...I praise Him today for being the Master Healer and the Master Life-Giver. I praise Him for Levi and the joy we have been given through his tiny little life. I praise Him for the best husband in the world who is the best Daddy to our son. I don't ever want to take for granted the miracle of life, the beauty of God's faithfulness, or the undeserved gift of his love.
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